Dysfunctional Family Dynamics During the Holidays

Family gatherings during the holidays can be a source of comfort, but they can also bring up complex and challenging emotions, especially when dealing with dysfunctional family dynamics. For high-achieving women of color, these gatherings may include cultural expectations and relational strains that feel heavy to bear. Understanding how to protect your peace in such situations is crucial to maintaining your mental health.

Start by recognizing your triggers and setting realistic expectations. If you know certain topics or people stir up stress, consider how you can minimize your exposure. Maybe your parents are stressing you about settling down, getting married and having kids instead of catching flights. Or your aunties are turning their noses up at you and accusing you of thinking you're better than them. You might even be the rich Auntie that everyone wants to hit up for money.  Many of us have GenX family members who can’t seem to figure out why your family doesn’t eat pork or beef when “you grew up eating that and you turned out just fine!” Maybe you’re a first generation American and dreading the inevitable moment you have to introduce your family to your American boyfriend who is not from your sect, religion or country! 

These are tales as old as time, yet we continue to endure, never finding reprieve. The end begins with you! It’s okay to set boundaries. Setting boundaries doesn’t mean you don’t care; it means you are creating a life that aligns with your true self and worth, thus preserving your peace. 

Navigating these family dynamics also means practicing grounding techniques. Deep breathing, body scanning, and stepping outside for a few moments can all help you stay present and calm. Once you’ve gathered yourself, speak calmly and clearly when expressing your boundaries. That can sound like, “I appreciate your concern for my happiness; however, I can assure you that I’m living my life in alignment with who I am and what I value. I respect that we don’t agree on everything. It would be greatly appreciated if you would do the same.” And stand on that, unapologetically! 

You don’t have to absorb everyone else’s stress or conform to expectations that don’t align with your values. Remember, you’re allowed to protect your own well-being, even among family. If necessary, have an exit plan that allows you to step away or leave when needed. When you respect yourself, it shows others how to respect you as well. 

As you approach the holidays, commit to placing your mental health first. Dysfunctional family dynamics may not change, but your approach to them can. By prioritizing your peace and implementing boundaries, you can engage with your family while preserving your emotional balance. This season, give yourself permission to be at peace with your choices, knowing that your well-being matters.